Dates and fun were so much more common pre-kids. I think it’d be wonderful if we could create an evolving list of things dads can do to keep the adult relationship taken care of while parenting.
An obvious one is planning dates. This doesn’t have to be dinner out or anything fancy (though that’s nice too!); on Memorial Day, my kids were occupied for a couple hours so my wife went on a hike along a nearby river canyon. We were tired and sweaty but we both needed exercise and it was nice doing something just for the two of us.
Either of us gets excited when the other plans a date into the weekly schedule. Also, yes, we have a weekly schedule for primarily childcare but all the other things life brings that get in the way of dates.
Another really simple and unsexy thing to do that I find helps a lot is picking a chore that she normally does and doing it. I saw a Brene Brown clip the other day where she talks about how marriages are never 50/50. Some days they might be close but on any given day they will swing more in one direction or the other. On those days where I know I have more than 50% to give, I like to grab something and get it done so it’s one less thing for her to worry about.
That follows my work philosophy too: don’t leave things for others to take care of; do your best so whoever is coming on next has an easy shift. I can’t always do that and sometimes I need her to do it for me, but it’s a nice way to show the love.
When we were dating, I would send her letters or leave a note on her windshield. Her job is on the way home for me when I go to the office but that’s maybe once a month. I’ve been meaning to do this though so maybe writing it here will cement some accountability.
Anyone want to add things they do to keep the relationship going positively?
How you keep it going
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1. This is an inclusive space
2. Be kind
3. No nudity
4. No violence
5. These rules will evolve as the forum grows and changes
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NiceyChappe
- Posts: 3
- Joined: 15 Jun 2023, 10:17
- Location: UK
Re: How you keep it going
Flowers when it's not her birthday etc (which reminds me...)
If there's are things you've agreed to do, but haven't done, put on your big boy boots, write down what you need to do to get it done, write down when you can next do that, and get it done. I've agreed to get the snip, procrastinated for over a year and had to get a new referral. I just need to dial the number. I've got the number in a note on my phone...
Don't be a martyr. I was prioritising wife (and her depression) and kids to the point where I was doing the washing up instead of getting enough hours in at work, and my work has been suffering. I was suffering too, worrying about how much of this my understanding boss would put up with. Eventually I had to have a fairly painful (not angry) discussion about things and she went up a dose and agreed to me going into work for the hours I was agreeing with my boss. I have had to accept that I must priotise work over the house, and let the house slide, because all I was doing was treading water. The house is steadily getting worse, but my wife has picked up the reins and seems to have renewed purpose (summer time helps). Either it will work or it will sink, but at least I won't drown in front of the boat clinging onto a halo no one else can see.
If there's are things you've agreed to do, but haven't done, put on your big boy boots, write down what you need to do to get it done, write down when you can next do that, and get it done. I've agreed to get the snip, procrastinated for over a year and had to get a new referral. I just need to dial the number. I've got the number in a note on my phone...
Don't be a martyr. I was prioritising wife (and her depression) and kids to the point where I was doing the washing up instead of getting enough hours in at work, and my work has been suffering. I was suffering too, worrying about how much of this my understanding boss would put up with. Eventually I had to have a fairly painful (not angry) discussion about things and she went up a dose and agreed to me going into work for the hours I was agreeing with my boss. I have had to accept that I must priotise work over the house, and let the house slide, because all I was doing was treading water. The house is steadily getting worse, but my wife has picked up the reins and seems to have renewed purpose (summer time helps). Either it will work or it will sink, but at least I won't drown in front of the boat clinging onto a halo no one else can see.
Re: How you keep it going
This is really good, NiceyChappe!
I give my wife a hard time about house projects, telling her she doesn't need to 'keep nagging me every 6 months'.
the vas isn't too big of a deal. Biggest complaint was the I went to a clinic that didn't give anything going in and doesn't prescribe narcotics. Some vicodin or equivalent would have been nice during recovery. I did fine with by ice pack, tylenol/ibuprofen, and video games; just would have been nice.
Flowers are hit and miss with my wife. She and I are both cheap/frugal so she often thinks it's silly to spend money on things that are just going to die in a couple days.
Surprising her with drive through or homemade french fries, on the other hand, is always a winner.
I give my wife a hard time about house projects, telling her she doesn't need to 'keep nagging me every 6 months'.
the vas isn't too big of a deal. Biggest complaint was the I went to a clinic that didn't give anything going in and doesn't prescribe narcotics. Some vicodin or equivalent would have been nice during recovery. I did fine with by ice pack, tylenol/ibuprofen, and video games; just would have been nice.
Flowers are hit and miss with my wife. She and I are both cheap/frugal so she often thinks it's silly to spend money on things that are just going to die in a couple days.
Surprising her with drive through or homemade french fries, on the other hand, is always a winner.
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JoshStrummer
- Posts: 12
- Joined: 10 Jun 2023, 17:25
Re: How you keep it going
Buying a little treat is nice, but doing a little extra work is the real winner. I work as a field tech, and if I finish up a job close to home then I'll swing by home and surprise her between jobs. Bring her a scone from the bakery or spend my lunch break with my daughter to give her an unexpected break. The most appreciated things though, are doing an extra task. Taking a worry off her plate.
Dates are pretty rare right now. She works 2 12hr days on the weekends. I work 4 10s during the week. We've got one day off together. We try and spilt that time into family activities and getting appointments done that are difficult to do with a toddler in tow.
Dates are pretty rare right now. She works 2 12hr days on the weekends. I work 4 10s during the week. We've got one day off together. We try and spilt that time into family activities and getting appointments done that are difficult to do with a toddler in tow.